From my first post and onward, I have wanted to be honest in my writing. This is a big journey for me, and I want to share everything. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. While my posts have remained honest, up until this point they have remained insightful but inspirational and upbeat.
Well now that I am just under a month away from leaving, I feel that I can share that it is not all rainbows and butterflies.
Like any big change in life, it had its ups and downs. Reality hurts sometimes. I have had moments of intense guilt, anger, even physical pain from this process. I expect to be an emotional roller coaster from now until I leave, but I think that I have had enough time to come to peace with all the major things that I crossed on this journey.
Such as: resentment towards those who did not support me. Guilt from wanting to leave and not wanting to be home. Feeling like I had no one to talk too. Dreading goodbyes. Stressed out about what awaits me on the other side.
Some days, I would get really down and bummed out because ALL I wanted with every fibre inside of me was to be starting the next chapter of my life. I would feel isolated and alone because there was no one to relate too. Nothing held any interest for me because it would not compare to all the things I would be doing however many months from now. Basically I would curl up into a ball, and hope that the world would just pass me by until it was time to go. How terrible was that?
Some of this got better when I moved back to my hometown. That helped me start the process towards making peace with myself and all the negative feelings I had started to feel.
However the really hard stuff was facing the ugly truths from this journey. The events I would miss out on at home. The heartbreaking goodbyes that are in front me of. Adjusting an environment that would be entirely new. And the hardest, learning to deal with missing my loved ones.
Finally, facing the fears, oh the fears of the unknown, and the ultimate fear…what if I hate this? What if I get there and am just as miserable? Right now this is it for me. This is my last option to find out my key to happiness, even if its not a permanent move, these two years to give me the freedom to find out what my happiness for the future should be. But what if it I go there and there is nothing? What if all I can think about is home, and I choose to come back? Then what. What if, what if, what if.
There is no actual solution. There is no easy button. And there are no answers. I just have to take everything day by day.
To end, all the good things in life require sacrifice and they tend to have negative things attached but the key is recognizing that it is all apart of life and that every roadblock is worth it. Take storms for the rainbows. Let yourself feel everything, embrace it and know that in the end, it is all worth it to live out your something more than planned.
– xoxo Veronica